Contributed By Mrs Corinne Daniela Caddy

BRIDE: A woman who was perfectly sane but is now only able to talk about favours, ushers, flowers and all things weddingy. Ask her about the state of the world economy or any other non-bridal subject and you will be met with a blank, vacant stare.

GROOM: A man who has learnt the way to a bride's heart and knows that the toilet seat's natural position is down and that ten minutes of saying "please" doesn't count as foreplay

PARENTS: It's their day not yours!

FAMILY: People who you haven't seen since you were three years old but are suddenly important enough to make you change your table plans and ceremony time.

WORK: A place you have to go to that gets in the way of planning your wedding.

INVITATIONS: Something people seem to treat like junk mail: They throw them away without replying.  OR, they are replied to by people like Dave and Sue, who seem to be on a personal mission to boost the world population threefold and insist on bringing all of their multiple offspring.

CORKAGE: A charge for the labour intensive job of serving drinks. This has been a revolution in my life; every time I get my OH a can of Stella from the fridge and pull the ringpull I now charge him £7.50 corkage

SHOP ASSISTANTS: There are two types of these:   a)The Must Have Started her Career at McDonalds Type.  This woman has the false "Have a Nice Day" attitude. She makes you try on the most hideous meringue and tells you that you are the most beautiful bride she has seen for a while. She then goes on to tell every other girl in the shop the same thing.   b) The Must Have Started her Career as Part of the Welcoming Reception at Colditz Type. How dare you not fit perfectly into the dresses in her shop. She wants paying up front and guarantees to treat you like the dirt under her fingernails.

TABLE PLAN: About as easy to do as successfully completing a Rubix Cube puzzle.

PRESENTS: Gifts people buy that they really think you need/will be useful - like three fondue sets and five breville makers.